It’s been a very tough couple of months for me. I lost my job in April and have sent out hundreds of resumes for which I have received zero replies and I’m finding myself struggling trying to make ends meet; just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse my mother fell ill and has been in the hospital ever since. My mother’s illness has helped me put things in perspective, losing my job is nothing compared to the prospect of losing my mother.
Doctors have been doing every test imaginable and can’t find the cause of her illness. Her arms, once spotless and pink are now full of bruises to the point that it’s painful to see, even for the nurses that are used to this kind of things. I know that the day will come when my mother will no longer be with us on this realm but I am not ready for that yet.
My sister lives abroad and came two weeks ago to be with my mother. She is my mother’s little girl and the apple of her eyes yet her presence didn’t improve my mother’s demeanor, which has been eroding on a daily basis.
I can’t believe that she was fine and happy on mother’s day and two days later she began on this slippery slope. She has lost a lot of weight, and justifiably so she is very depressed. Today, my sister is returning to her home and as she was saying goodbye my mother said a final goodbye… she is giving up, she has lost hope of ever returning home to me. We were crying, it wasn’t what we were expecting her to do.
I am not ready for her departure and I realized that today. Doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with her and they’re telling us her vital signs are all good yet she is weakening each day. Her once rosy cheeks are now pale and not even the mention of her furry baby, who she raised on her bosom since birth and who means the world to her, motivates her…
My mother had and has many flaws, like all of us; she drives me crazy most of the times but I want her to keep driving me crazy – it’s part of my world. I love her and I can’t accept that she will not overcome this hurdle, I refuse to believe it; I refuse to accept it, at least not yet.
She has been a father and a mother to my sister and me. I owe so much to her! Growing up she never tried to change me, or the way I perceived life. Quite the contrary, she has embraced it and she admires me for it. The best compliment I’ve ever received was from my mother when she told me that I was the only person she knows that truly loves life. I will never forget that day, it’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me and it fills my heart that it came from my mother’s lips.
I know that most of you will think I am too old to say this, but I need my mother, I love my mother.
I haven’t written in a while and now you know why. I don’t know when my next entry will be, I just hope that it is soon and that it will be because my mother is back home, happy and once again driving me nuts.